Danger Is A Miracle

I have been one confused mama lately.

So many of my friends have had babies this summer. It’s hard to see those adorable little bundles without getting nostalgic for my daughter’s infancy. It’s even harder when I think about how much I actually would like to give my daughter a little brother or sister – and worse, still when I realize that this may not happen.

I’m starting to think that maybe the birth of Danger was a miracle, a dream come true before I even knew that she was what I wished for the most.

For some reason, my body will not accept another baby. It would be one thing if I just could not get pregnant at all – but it’s so much harder to deal with another loss, another life ended before it had the chance to truly begin. I spent all last week trying to hide the excitement that was slowly building up inside of me. I will not spend this week trying to hide the disappointment that I now feel.

I’ve been trying to fight off some tough questions that seem to permeate my thoughts at the most inopportune times: If I’m as good of a mom as I believe I am, why would God not want to bless me with another life? What if Danger does not have a brother or sister to be her ally, companion, partner-in-crime? Or even worse – what if this happens again?

I know that these questions and feelings will change over time. I’m trying so very hard to practice contentment in my life and to recognize the blessings that I do have. In my worst moments, I’ve found that one thing that carries me through and truly soothes me is to recite Bible verses over and over in my mind. One that really sticks with me is Jeremiah 29:11 –

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” 

When I got pregnant with Danger, I had no desire to ever become a parent. It was not in my plan to be a mother, but it was in God’s plan – and in God’s timing. I have been so blessed with so many things, and I know that if and when the time is right, I will have the opportunity to parent another child. No matter what, I know that I will be blessed beyond measure.

I don’t know why I felt the urge to write about this. I don’t want to actually talk about this part of my life with anyone. Perhaps one of you may be dealing with this same loss, and I am hear to say: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

For those of you that are pregnant with a baby that you did not plan, please refrain from calling your child an “Oops” baby. Words cannot express how cruel that statement seems to those of us that have trouble keeping our children alive. I know that you think it is so cute – I’ll admit that I did the same thing when I had my daughter – but you never know who is reading your posts and what they are dealing with.

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About Classic Mommy | Atlanta Mom Blogger

Atlanta Mom Blogger | Enjoys sweet tea and a good challenge | Dislikes dirty fingernails and whining | Mom to Danger | Wife to Dre | Family Travel Blogger
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3 Responses to Danger Is A Miracle

  1. Angie says:

    My heart goes out to you. I pray that some day you are able to carry another child to term. I’m adding your whole family to my prayer list right now.
    Sending many thoughts your way…

  2. Candice says:

    Sweet mama, I have been through what you are going through. My body easily becomes pregnant but staying pregnant has been such a trying road for my husband and I. I have had and am on my 8th pregnancy. I have had 3 live children, two of which were premature. I have had a still born son and 3 early term miscarriages. I am currently six months pregnant with a healthy baby.

    I still mourn my sweet little boy in heaven. I do not understand why God did not heal him when I know He could have healed my sweet baby boy from his fatal birth defects. He was a baby after a loss and I prayed my heart out until I would fall asleep sobbing every night for him just to be healthy and make it into my arms. I do not know the answer as to why the Lord has allowed me to suffer his significant loss, knowing that I will mourn him until the day I enter the Golden Gates. I’m sure, that even if I knew the reason, I would still miss that little baby that I had to say goodbye to before I was able to kiss hello.

    It has only been a little over eight months since we lost our angel. The Lord has graciously blessed my womb with another child, a healthy child, finally. Amazingly enough, this baby is due on the same day last year that we last saw our son alive. Our Creator is so divine in all that He does, all that He gives, and all that He takes away. Even if we knew the reasons ‘why’ immediately, we still would not have the comprehension to fully understand the grace we had been given from our loss. It can take a lifetime to understand and finally be grateful for all the He gives and takes away. His thoughts and ways are definitely not our thoughts and ways, thank goodness.

    Since I know the despair you must feel, the emptiness that swallows you whole, and the unbearable ache you have to just hold one more baby within your arms, I pray that I offered some support or at least some hope into your heart. Only the Lord can reach into the depths of your grief and heal what nobody can seem to treat. I will forever have moments of imagining what my little boy Caleb would have been like with his older brothers, opening Christmas presents, and how he would be missing in every single family portrait. Though, your heart longs for other dreams that seem too far away, I want you to know that the Lord already appointed your life for you prior to your conception and the creation of this earth. Just like I was appointed my son and to survive his loss. You have been allowed this life, these children(whether on earth or in heaven), and these sufferings and blessings for a mighty purpose.

    “And we know that all things work together for good for them that love God, to them who are the called according to HIS purpose.” Romans 8:28

    God bless your heart.

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