I have been one confused mama lately.
So many of my friends have had babies this summer. It’s hard to see those adorable little bundles without getting nostalgic for my daughter’s infancy. It’s even harder when I think about how much I actually would like to give my daughter a little brother or sister – and worse, still when I realize that this may not happen.
I’m starting to think that maybe the birth of Danger was a miracle, a dream come true before I even knew that she was what I wished for the most.
For some reason, my body will not accept another baby. It would be one thing if I just could not get pregnant at all – but it’s so much harder to deal with another loss, another life ended before it had the chance to truly begin. I spent all last week trying to hide the excitement that was slowly building up inside of me. I will not spend this week trying to hide the disappointment that I now feel.
I’ve been trying to fight off some tough questions that seem to permeate my thoughts at the most inopportune times: If I’m as good of a mom as I believe I am, why would God not want to bless me with another life? What if Danger does not have a brother or sister to be her ally, companion, partner-in-crime? Or even worse – what if this happens again?
I know that these questions and feelings will change over time. I’m trying so very hard to practice contentment in my life and to recognize the blessings that I do have. In my worst moments, I’ve found that one thing that carries me through and truly soothes me is to recite Bible verses over and over in my mind. One that really sticks with me is Jeremiah 29:11 –
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
When I got pregnant with Danger, I had no desire to ever become a parent. It was not in my plan to be a mother, but it was in God’s plan – and in God’s timing. I have been so blessed with so many things, and I know that if and when the time is right, I will have the opportunity to parent another child. No matter what, I know that I will be blessed beyond measure.
I don’t know why I felt the urge to write about this. I don’t want to actually talk about this part of my life with anyone. Perhaps one of you may be dealing with this same loss, and I am hear to say: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
For those of you that are pregnant with a baby that you did not plan, please refrain from calling your child an “Oops” baby. Words cannot express how cruel that statement seems to those of us that have trouble keeping our children alive. I know that you think it is so cute – I’ll admit that I did the same thing when I had my daughter – but you never know who is reading your posts and what they are dealing with.